When God is Gross

Two weeks ago, as I was beginning my nephews' Bible lesson, the eight year-old was trying desperately to get me to skip the chapter on Abraham. He claimed that he and his brother had already read it during the week. I hardly believed him and presented the challenge that if he could tell me one thing about Abraham and what he had "read", we would skip that chapter and move on to the next. 

Older brother sweated nervously as his Sunday school fate lied in his baby brother's questionable sense of recall. You could practically hear the eight year-old's brain shuffle as it rolodexed through stored memory, grasping for any tidbit he could recall on Father Abraham. He gasped suddenly and answered, very matter-of-factly, "Abraham Lincoln freed all the slaves." 

Older brother then slapped his own forehead in disappointment and we retreated back to Genesis 12.

That week's lesson was just the introduction to Abram, Sarai, his promised legacy of becoming the "father of many nations" and ending with he and Lot's land dispute.

They had dodged a bullet for one week, but the next Sunday I was met with the same dread after we had finished up chapters on the destruction of Sodom, the dismissal of Hagar and Ishmael and the birth of Isaac.

I was beginning to understand the distress that had been plaguing the boys ever since I'd mentioned the "A" word. I then realized that they knew the story of Abraham's willingness to sacrifice Isaac was approaching. They had remembered something about Abraham from past lessons and suddenly I was being treated as if I were forcing them to watch a horror movie in Bible class.

This is probably the biggest struggle I face when taking on the role of these kids' spiritual advisor. Trying to teach them everything I can about God while they're still young enough that I can hold their interest. But, then coming to terms with the fact that, sometimes, the Bible is just pretty gross.

There's animal sacrifices all over the Old Testament, murder, rape, genocide, plagues, those sickos in Sodom who begged to molest a pair of angels, dogs eating Jezebel, demon possession, suicide, the cruelties and abuses that Jesus and the other martyrs faced and, let's see, the entire book of Revelations!

I grew up in church singing songs about "There's power in the blood" and "Nothing but the blood of Jesus...", chewing on unleavened bread that represented Jesus's flesh and drinking grape juice that represented His blood (eww, blood... more blood!) and constantly hearing about a lake of fire that all my unrepentant friends were on the verge of being tossed into. Often creeped out, tormented and lying awake at night dwelling on these things; but never brave enough to simply ask:

Why so much horror? Why all the blood?!

I recently asked the oldest living Christian I know this and explained how I come to dread teaching the kids these things when I know one of these difficult chapters is approaching.

I got the typical biblical answer of "Only blood can atone for sin." [Leviticus 17:11] That we all are sinners. [Romans 3:23] That we cannot be saved by works. [Ephesians 2:8-9] That our sins have earned us death and only through Jesus's perfect sacrifice can we be forgiven and see Heaven one day. [Romans 6:23, Hebrews 9:11-18] 

I knew this. I've heard all the same Sunday school answers my whole life... but what I really meant was why why?

Why blood? Why something so messy and revolting? What was God thinking?!

I prayed on this and what was pressed on my heart was a question of an answer:

Does it even matter why?

The Bible tells us that we're not supposed to understand everything while in our human minds on earth. [II Corinthians 4:18] Do we really need to? Does our faith have no value without complete comprehension of all things holy?

I know mine does! I may not have all the answers, but I can guarantee my faith is real. God has proven to me several times over His existence, that He is here for my benefit and I have seen His love and protection at work in my life. Constantly! I don't need the whys. I just need God! 

It's a "don't knock it 'til you've tried it" journey that no one can relate to unless they're willing to personally experience it on their own.

So, I've chosen to educate the kids in a very different manner than what I was presented with as a child. They have come to love God and Jesus outside of all the blood and Lake of Fire talk. They chose salvation and Christianity before they had even heard me utter the word "hell". (And, believe me, the first time I read a verse with that word in it, they covered their mouths and pointed at me as if I'd just cursed at them!)

I don't skirt the issues, but don't focus on them as a main ingredient to our beliefs. There's so much more that our faith has to offer. We won't understand all things while on earth. But, we will live a great life here with God as a part of it. That's the most important part of my faith to me. Not just dodging hellfire.

That said, I'm not for omitting Scripture that makes me uncomfortable either. It's all in there for some reason. Even if we don't yet understand why.

On a practical level, when a chapter on blood sacrifice comes up and is upsetting to the animal-loving kids, I remind them that in the biblical days, everyone slaughtered their own meat. Sacrifice wasn't a thing of gore like it is to our modern mindsets, but an act of giving away the purest of their goods to God. This wasn't just a blood sacrifice, but an act of offering back to God something that was true goods and currency in their day. On these lesson days, we are always sure to thank God that he chose for us to live in the days post Jesus's resurrection, relieving us of the bloody duty.

If you have any tips, guidance or funny stories about navigating the gory biblical stuff, please feel free to leave your comments in the designated field below. Teachers must always remain students if they're striving to be good ones. And, I know my readers and myself would love the additional insight.

Marks of a Pharisee

We've been studying the Gospels in the weekly Bible study that I lead with my brother's kids. Their takeaway seems to have two major sticking points: 1.) Jesus's Parables (ie. "story problems") and 2.) What jerks the Pharisees were.

The Pharisees have left a particularly bad impression on my youngest nephew, who is seven. Every time I read a passage indicating another haughty act of the Pharisees, he gets personally offended and groans out various versions of, "Ugh. They think they're so cool!" and "Augh! Why do they think they know everything?!" while dramatically rolling his eyes.

Then, there's always that point later in the day when he tosses off a, "My brother didn't clean him room, but I did." or "So-and-so at school did this, I would never do something like that!" I always immediately ask him, "Are you a Pharisee?" 

"No! They're jerks!"

"Then why are you acting like one?"

[insert shameful head hang]

The Pharisees were a great enemy to many of us in our Sunday School days. Then many of us grew up to act just like one.

How can we avoid becoming a Pharisee?  Watch out for these indicators:

Appearance's Sake: The Pharisees were famously always looking outward. We've learned this repeatedly from stories like Luke 7:36-50, where the woman "embarrassingly" wept at Jesus's feet. (That hussy!) In Matthew 9 when they were aghast that Jesus wasn't sitting at the "cool table". (Tax collectors, harlots and sinners, oh my!) In Matthew 23, where we see them prancing about town with their money and swag, while Jesus points out that they were much too invested in making lavish and public offerings, meanwhile rejecting the importance of justice, mercy and faithfulness. Or, that horrendously conceited prayer of the Pharisee in Luke 18:10-14 where he bragged to the Lord about of his own good deeds while taking it upon himself to loudly condemn the tax collector who prayed humbly and weepily nearby. 

Remember Christ's lesson in verse 14 that "...everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but he who humbles himself will be exalted." 

This is still a modern day temptation. Some Christians may want to reach out to the lost; just not the dirty, the slutty, the addicted or the annoying.

Placing Rules Above Love: The Pharisees were very "black or white" in their practices. As far as they were concerned, there were no gray areas in the Law (to which they felt the need to add hundreds of their own on top of the Original Ten.) 

They wondered aloud why Jesus's followers didn't fast so much in Luke 5. They wondered why the disciples didn't wash their hands in accordance with their traditions in Mark 7. In Matthew 12 they gasped when the disciples were hungry on the Sabbath and dared to "work" by picking something to eat from a field. And, oh, the conspiracy that was propagated by the Pharisees in Matthew 12:10-14 when Jesus had the nerve to perform healing on the sacred day of rest! 

I remember, in my childhood Sunday School class, the conundrum of Rahab, the Cannanite, lying to spare the Hebrew spies lives came up. The teacher was stumped by our innocent questioning of "Well, isn't lying a sin?!" and she went to a church elder to seek out an answer to the complicated question we had posed. She came back with the deacon's reply that "Rahab shouldn't have lied. Lying is a sin. God probably would have protected the spies in some other way" and my stomach went sour.

I now realize, it was probably the Spirit cringing within me because Jesus clearly taught us in Matthew 22:36-40 that the greatest commandment is love. First, loving God with all of your heart, soul and mind; and secondly loving others as much as you love yourself. He tells us that "all of the Laws and the Prophets hang on these two commandments" of love (v. 40, NIV.) So wasn't Rahab showing love in her act? I think Jesus would say, yes. And, this is why she and her family were spared in the city's destruction and welcomed into God's people's tribe. (Not, to mention, blessed to be a part of Christ's lineage.) 

I still hear the lie of Rahab being debated today. It kind of makes me sad that her act of mercy is still being judged by sticklers of the Law thousands of years later, while she's been busy enjoying the glory of Heaven. 

Hindering the Cause: While the Pharisees were busy being judgy-McJudger-pants, they were simultaneously disrupting the progress of God's Kingdom. Jesus ripped into them big-time throughout Matthew 23, calling them blind guides, lazy, hypocrites and repeatedly threw at them the ultimate biblical burn of, "Woe to you!" (It's a great rant that fills up the entire chapter, filled with images of vipers, blood and plenty of exclamation points. Samuel L. Jackson couldn't perform righteous anger better!) What was it about the Pharisees that got Christ so worked up?

They were the leaders of the church at the time! Or, misleaders, as they should be called. Jesus warned the people that the Pharisees do not practice they preach. They want the honor, but not the dirt on their hands from the work. (I love Jesus's analogy that they, "...strain out a gnat and swallow a camel!" vs. 24, NAS. My nephews would be overjoyed to learn that Jesus worked bathroom humor.) 

In John 9 the Pharisees started kicking people out of church who claimed Jesus as Messiah. Particularly the blind man to whom Jesus had restored his sight. Instead of allowing all believers into the synagogue to worship, they decided to splinter the church instead. 

Division in the church, is obviously still an issue today. We hear of gays and their family members being excluded or abandoned. Political divisiveness is often a problem. Choice of worship music, the inclusion of percussion and/or instruments that run on electricity, turn some away and divide a congregation. Stances on war or pacifism can get the opposition worked up in the pews. 

This all in the place where we come to seek salvation, learn about Christ's teachings and be reminded of His commandment of love. Remember the purpose of the church, no matter what your neighbor may check on a ballot. The pettiness and misguidance of the Pharisees (as well as those acting the same in modern times) confuses the lost, misdirects the flock and disrupts the calling of Heaven.

So let's go through a checklist and see how we rate:

• Do you care more about labels on clothing, the scent of a stranger, vocabulary, manners, or who has the cutest hat on Sunday, than you do about welcoming a new sheep into the fold? Then, you might be a Pharisee.
• How do you feel about smokers, drinkers and swearers' spiritual statuses when they tell you that they're believers too? Do you have your doubts? Then, you might be a Pharisee.
• Do you repeat things you read about your friends and acquaintances on social media to others, usually starting with the phrase, "Can you believe that so-and-so thinks/said/believes/voted for/lets their kids do..." You sound like a gossip. And, you might be a Pharisee.
• When your wife asks you if she looks fat in these pants, are you "convicted" to state in all honesty, "You look fat in every pant" instead of saying with love that, "You always look beautiful to me"? Then, you might be a Pharisee.
• Do you pick apart grammatical errors in friend's Facebook posts that were otherwise intended to be uplifting? Then, you might be a Pharisee.
• Do you avoid interacting with those who have different opinions, politics, morals, backgrounds or social standings than your own? Then, you might be a Pharisee.
• Are you overly-concerned with whether your friends immunize their children, breastfeed, eat gluten, watch ABC Family with their kids, allow secular music in their household or are otherwise getting too involved with their loving (but questionable, in your mind) parenting practices? You may be hipster. But, you might also be a Pharisee.
• Do you compare your tithe, community service and charitable givings with others? You may be missing their secret service in your tally. And, friend, you might be a Pharisee!

I don't pretend to speak all of this from a higher standing. I was a Pharisee at least once this week. My grandmother was telling me over the phone about how alot of people wear jeans and tshirts to her church on Sunday mornings, to which I replied, "Ugh. It's God's house. Show a little effort!"

I was later convicted by the fact that they did show some effort. They showed up! And that I, too, could be such a Pharisee sometimes.


(Feel free to share your Pharisee story in the comments field below. We've all been there and we can conquer this together!)

Would-Like-to-Do-tions

I'm not a resolution kind of gal.  I'm not into making promises that I don't intend to keep. The Bible says that God delights in those who keep their promises (Proverbs 12:22), so I've always been a woman of my word. Of few words. Of very few promised and spoken words. 

If I ever make you a promise, know I've thought it through carefully and take it uber seriously. (With an act-of-God clause attached, of course.) It's nice to delight the Lord and others. It's not so nice to fake out.

Therefore in 2014, I resolve nothing. I see everyone posting their vows today and it's all very inspiring. So in substitution, I'll instead announce my Would-Like-to-Do-tions for this year:

• Follow the THINK rule (above) more often before speaking. Stop trying to convince myself that "is it funny?" is one of them. If there were an F in think, it'd be fink. Don't be one!
• Blog more. BOTH blogs. People are forgetting that I know more than just the state of pop culture.
• Sew more. The Christmas gift rush of quilts was back-breaking work, but satisfying. Practice makes perfect. One day the binding will come out even and the quilt-stitching free of lumpy seams!
• Taper off on the holiday feeding frenzy. More protein, less carbs. And what is a hypoglycemic doing with all of those sugary snacks? No wonder I'm feeling so lop-sided and sleepy. Nightly nacho snacks are also a holiday binge. There are no holidays left this season. Cut it down to maybe 2-3 times a week.
• Exercise more. Because everybody says this. And, let's face it, I need to.
• Go see a couple movies. Award season is upon us.
• Save my way closer to home ownership. I'd like to finally see if all of this stuff can fit into one place.
• Even though I've been scratching and saving, I should allow myself at least one vacation this year. Even if it's just a weekend trip. Even if it's just one county over. Responsibility is making me a little stir crazing.

Wait! I do have one resolution I know I can follow through on and that I am not ashamed to solemly vow for fear of punking out later:

• I vow to trim my bangs. They are starting to get in my eyes.

Happy 2014! Make it true. Make is helpful. Make it inspiring. Make it necessary. Make it kind. (And, maybe a little bit funny too...)